Conflict and Conflicted

Not sure how to start this one…lots of stuff floating around.  My head feels like a punch bowl and I think somebody just spiked it.  

We are starting to think that we have the plague, either that or I am developing an over zealous sensitivity as to why people are avoiding me.  And those that don’t avoid me (not always by choice), never bring up the conversation of church and a strange awkwardness always looms.  

Bouncing this around with friends, it appears that people are deathly afraid of what I am going to say.  They are afraid of the unknown.  It is easier to walk away, walk around and never walk through issues.  I admit, there are times that I do the same.  There are those that I would rather avoid than have an encounter with.  

I have noticed that a lot of my posts are becoming a reflection of myself.  What I mean is…I start typing and as I am re-reading my post, it becomes clear to me that the very thing I am bitching about is the very thing I am struggling with personally.  It just happened right now.  This post was going to complain about all the people in our church that don’t have the guts to come ask me what is going on and would rather avoid me but I realized I am avoiding a lot of them as well.  

Seems that conflict is all around us and it appears that our goal is to get away from it and try to live the good life.  I am still reading  The Hidden Power of Electronic Culture (I know, I am a slow reader) and I just found out that Shane Hipps, the author, is from an anabaptist background.  This grabbed my attention because most of the churches/clubs in this town are anabaptist as well.  So he goes on to address what electronic media has done to our communities and how we now deal with conflict – individualism vs. tribalism, he states:

Tribal cultures are quite accustomed to this style of relating.  For an individualistic culture, however, conflict is typically viewed as a bad thing, something to be minimized and avoided if possible.  Unfortunately, conflict doesn’t go away simply because it is unwelcome or feared.  Rather it finds other, more insidious ways to disrupt communities.  It quickly finds a home in the shadowy back alleys of relationships.  Without a climate of open conflict, diagnosing problems in the community, let alone dealing with them, becomes nearly impossible.  When we learn to welcome conflict as a natural and healthy part of human community, we can dispel some of its power to be destructive.  In fact, under the right circumstances, conflict can be a powerful means of growth and intimacy.

He also throws in a quote from Andy Crouch, “No one gets out of any serious experiment in human community – church, marriage, family or otherwise – without discovering, and becoming, an enemy.”

Even though anabaptist pride themselves on being people of peace (although they would never admit it), I believe the term peace has been confused with “don’t talk about it and keep the peace“.  Saying that we should live in open conflict is a tough sell.  

Hipps then goes on to pull out the covenant or pledge used in many Mennonite churches and points to the first line.  Accept conflict.  Might be a tough sell but who said life in community was to be easy?  Rewarding…yes, easy….not so much.  

 

Commitments for Mennonites 
in Times of Disagreement²

The following guidelines may be used as a statement of commitment, to guide congregational discussions.

The Bible guides us to seek reconciliation when we disagree. Scripture teaches us that conflict can be an area for God’s revelation.

GUIDELINES

“Making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3), as both individual members and the body of Christ, we pledge that we shall:

IN THOUGHT

1. Accept conflict     Acknowledge together that conflict is a normal part of our life in the church.
   (Romans 14:1 – 8, 10 – 12, 17 – 19 15:1 – 7)     

    

    

    

    

    

2. Affirm hope      Affirm that as God walks with us in conflict we can work through to growth.
   (Ephesians 4:15 – 16)     

    

    

    

    

    

3. Commit to prayer     Admit our needs and commit ourselves to pray for a mutually satisfactory solution (no prayers for my success or for the other to change but to find a joint way).
   (James 5:16)     

   IN ACTION

4. Go to the other…     Go directly to those with whom we disagree; avoid behind – the – back criticism. 
   (Matthew 5:23 – 24; 18:15 – 20)     

    

    

    

    

    

5. …In the spirit of humility     Go in gentleness, patience and humility. Place the problem between us at neither doorstep and own our part in the conflict instead of pointing out the others’.
   (Galatians 6:1 – 5)     

    

    

    

    

    

6. Be quick to listen     Listen carefully, summarize and check out what is heard before responding. Seek as much to understand as to be understood.
   (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:13)     

    

    

    

    

    

7. Be slow to judge     Suspend judgments, avoid labeling, end name calling, discard threats, and act in a nondefensive, nonreactive way. 
   (Romans 2:1 – 4; Galatians 5:22 – 26)     

    

    

    

    

    

8. Be willing to negotiate     Work through the disagreements constructively. 
   (Acts 15; Philippians 2:1 – 11)     

   IN LIFE

9. Be steadfast in love     Be firm in our commitment to seek a mutual solution; be stubborn in holding to our common foundation in Christ; be steadfast in love.
   (Colossians 3:12 – 15)     

    

    

    

    

    

10. Be open to mediation     Be open to accept skilled help. If we cannot reach agreement among ourselves, we will use those with gifts and training in mediation in the larger church.
    (Philippians 4:1 – 3)     

     

     

     

     

     

11. Trust the community     We will trust the community and if we cannot reach agreement or experience reconciliation, we will turn the decision over to others in the congregation or from the broader church.
    (Acts 15)     

     

     

     

     

     

12. Be the Body of Christ     Believe in and rely on the solidarity of the Body of Christ and its commitment to peace and justice, rather than resort to the courts of law.
    (I Corinthians 6:1 – 6)
    

 

Attendance and Approval

It’s Sunday again.  Every week it arrives and every week we review the scene.  We are trying to figure out how the local church and Jesus go together.  How does the medium and the message of Jesus get lived out in this culture?  How are we to live our lives here in this small prairie town?  It seems that the more investigating we do, the more questions arise and more frustration.  

My daughter says to me this morning, “I am starting to miss church”.  I asked why and she said she misses the games they play and the contests.  What else?  Playing with her friends and the stickers they get.  She said that if we do change our mind to go back, she doesn’t want to go until next year (being next fall) because she feels that if she goes now, she’ll be so far behind in the contests/games that she will never catch up.  You may know some of these contests…memorize the weekly verse and you get a sticker for that week.  Get a lot of stickers….get the prize at the end of the year.  Nothing like bribing the next generation of believers.  ”Hey, if you sign our statement of faith, we will accredit you and you can become a pastor but if you don’t….well, sorry no sticker!”  

I mentioned this to Diane and she immediately said, “Oh well, she misses the club, not church.”  And she is right.  Everything my daughter described had very little to do with Jesus and his mission and everything to do with what a club of sorts would offer.  

So here we are.  Stuck between voices telling us to go back and voices to start fresh and new.  In the last two weeks, I have had a lot of ideas run through my head and here they are in short:

1.  Shane Claiborne says his realization that he needs to stop focusing on what the local church is doing wrong and to start becoming the church as it was meant to be.

2.  My father’s view to do something, anything and stop bitching.  Even the smallest, positive influence is greater than doing nothing and complaining. 

3.  The system is broken and should be abandoned altogether.  Instead of going to church, be the church and make everyday an offering to God, not just Sunday.  Get rid of the building, the paid staff, the culture and start engaging our society by giving that money to serve the poor, build orphanages, petition for justice.

4.  Attend the club once more because of the people.  Focus on those people and learn to accept them.  Jesus is trying to save the christians too.  Work on not letting bitterness take root but instead meet with people and try and create dialogue.  Build relationships.  

 

I am so glad that we agreed to wait to make a decision until January.  Things are way to unclear right now.  The one thing that I was wondering about though.  If we attend again, does that mean we are giving our approval?  Is that what it looks like?  I see it very similar to attending a wedding in which I don’t approve of the couple getting married or maybe going to a fundraiser for a certain political party.  It is easy for people to assume guilty by association.  Reminds me of Jesus having a meal with tax collectors.

Open to Criticism?

By the title of this post, one may think that I am about to address the lack of desire by the institutional church to open themselves up to any form of criticism but that would be way too easy (although very enjoyable!).  Instead, this post will focus on a challenge that was given to me during my trip out east.  After ranting for about 24 hours straight, my brother-in-law asks me, “who would you like to become?”  An easy question,  I quickly answered, “I would love to be a very accepting person, one who does not look at background, personality, beliefs but rather see people as God would see them.”  I grew up in a world of us versus them, things were viewed as very black and very white.  ”Us” was defined as those that called ourselves christians and we did not smoke, drink, swear, go to parties or think lustful thoughts and we always attended church.  ”Them” was defined as everybody else.  I now see that judgmental attitude as very damaging and not Christlike at all so this sounded like a great answer to his question.  

He then turned the tables and asked if my acceptance included those that consider themselves “us”?  He was referring to who I once was and all of those that I make fun of now.  F___ing fundies! (Diane made me edit it)  Currently, I can’t stand the close mindedness of this sector of society.  Every time I see them it reminds me of who I was and all the terrible things I said and did in the name of Jesus.  All the years of trying to convert people to a culture and a lifestyle and doing it by guilt and pressure.  And this is still continuing!  It happens all around me.  Now he says I need to pray for them and show them Jesus’ love just like I would anyone else.  

These people are so easy to condemn and make fun of and so very difficult to love.  Where would you even start?  

I have found a little help in a book that I just received called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.  He mentioned there came a time in which he realized he could not continue criticising the church but he needed to start focusing on what he believed the church was to look like.  He changed his focus from pointing out all the bad things about the institutional church to becoming the church.  His stories are highly motivating and refreshing.  It is well worth the read.  

Open to criticism?  I thought I was but soon realized there was some fundy left in me.  The pendulum had just swung far the other way.  I guess that is why they call this a journey.  There is always something around the corner that puts you in your place.